• That’s not right…………………………….Sum Ting Wong
• Are you harbouring a fugitive?……………Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• See me asap………………………………..Kum Hia Nao
• Stupid man………………………………….Dum Gai
• Small horse…………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni
• It’s very dark in here………………………Wai So Dim?
• I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• This is a tow-away zone………………….No Pah King
• Our meeting is scheduled for next week……Wai Yu Kum Nao?
• Staying out of sight……………………….Lei Ying Lo

How to Tell If  You’re Chinese:

1. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
2. You ask your parents for help on one maths problem and 2 hours later, they’re still lecturing.
3. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
4. Everybody thinks you’re “Chinese” no matter what part of Asia your ancestors are/were from.
5. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
6. At least once, you’ve started a joke with the phrase: “Confucius said….”
7. You know what bok choy is.
8. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Chinese, like the ever so popular: ching cha wa woo bok chi ping ….
9. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
10. At least one member in your family wears black wire/plastic framed glasses.
11. Your parents say, “Calculus?!! I took calculus in the 8th grade!!!”
12. Everybody thinks you know karate/tae kwon do.
13. Your parents’ vocabulary is filled w/ “Ai-yah” and “Wah’s”.
14. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation Chinese food.
15. You learned the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.
16. People see a bunch of scribbles on a pair of chopsticks and they ask you to translate the funny Chinese words.
17. You will most likely be taller than your parents.
18. Your parents made you play the piano, the violin, or both.
19. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
20. You have sticks, leaves, dried skin and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

 

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

 

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

 

Dear Abby,

I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything – and said it would never happen again.

 

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

 

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

 

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

 

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

 

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered – I think she is going through mental pause.

 

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex – and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

 

***

On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars. “Repent, the End of the World is Near!” he yelled.

One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. It had a sign next to it that read, “Pull this to end the world”

Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby. All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn’t stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.

As the driver later explained to the Highway Patrol, he had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said, “Better Nate than Lever.”

***

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, ” We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”

“Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.”

Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you

only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman said, ” I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.”

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

“Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!”

***

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

Doctor: “I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.”

St. Peter: “That’s great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you?”

Nurse: “I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc…”

St. Peter: “Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?”

HMO Executive: “I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.”

St. Peter: “Oh, I see. Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!”

***

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, ”Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”

The next man came up and started his story. ”St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ‘Please God spare my life’ and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”

It was now the third guy’s turn to start his story. ”Well, Peter, just picture this. I’m hiding butt naked in this married chick’s refrigerator…..”

***

Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…….LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!!!!!

***

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.”I’ve got grounds, all right,” sputtered the irate husband. “Can you believe my wife told me I’m a lousy lover?”"That’s why you’re suing?” pursued his lawyer. ”Of course not. I’m suing because she knows the difference.”

***

“A recently divorced cowboy, who was wearing new, ill-fitting boots that he’d bought on sale, met an old friend at a singles party. While they were sitting down, sampling the pot luck, the friend heard the story of the breakup and asked, “Why did you divorce her? Mary was pretty and we all knew she was a good cook and housekeeper. Did she step out on you?” ”No, I can’t give you a reason,” he said to his pal, as he removed his boots and gave a sigh of relief. “Maybe she was like these boots: fine-looking, loyal, and a good worker, but to look at them you couldn’t tell how much they hurt me.”

***

Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan. “I want a loan, I’m going to divorce my husband.”
“Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces” the manager says, “We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements….” Jill interrupts and says, “Well, this is certainly a ‘Home Improvement.”

***

“Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married”

***

Mary: Were your parents upset when you got a divorce?
Jill: Well, you know how parents are. My mother said, “SO! Is this how it’s going to be? Just one man after another for the rest of your life?”
Mary: Typical! What did you tell her?
Jill: I said, “Gee, I hope so!”

You’re watching Surrogate Mama – ‘Morning Express’. See the Web’s top videos on AOL Video

7. Cheesy Churro – Churro with a cheesy center.

6. Ice Cream Cereal – Kids love ice cream, so why not freeze your cereal and milk overnight, for a morning frozen delight.

5. Ketchup Pizza – Don’t let the red coloring fool you.

4. Twinkie Burger – Why get a whole wheat bun when you can get cream filled yellow sponges.

3. Roadkill Dog – Could mustard and relish make this more delectable? Don’t think so.

2. Liver Bacon Nuggets – Only available at your local McJackal’s.

1. Wasco – Who ever thought about a taco with wasabi? — We did. That’s who.

Can you beat our seven?

7. Why did swine flu cross the River Grand? A: To get to the United States

6. What’s the difference between swine flu and the regular flu? A: Mexico

5. What is the chief export of Mexico now? A: Swine Flu

4. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Swine flue. – I don’t think this is what they had in mind when they signed NAFTA

3. Who said pigs can’t fly? I heard a pig flu into the UNITED STATES!

2. Two blonds girls are walking out of the bar and one of them is telling the other “I Think I had a wine flu”

1. Two buddies are talking and one guy tells the other; I’m worried man….. Why dude? I haven’t seen seen my brother since late Saturday nite when he went home with a pig.

Think ya got a punchline that can beat it?
Type in your response below or click on BEAT THE 7 and check MyHyena.com next week to see who BEAT THE 7!

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your-mama-By Alaska

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1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with saying, “I think it’s time for you to go home now.”

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won’t ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don’t mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don’t want your toes sucked.

12. You don’t have to worry about remembering your partner’s name.

13. Performance anxiety? What’s that?

14. It’s something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn’t give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn’t form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn’t get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What’s that!

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