By Matt Harvey
_____I didn’t get to my office until almost noon. As usual, I’d woken up with a stiff hangover and forgotten where I left my car keys. 45 minutes of searching later I remembered; I’ve never owned a car. This probably explained the keys.
_____No matter, I’d take the bus to work. Of course, I was broke so I’d take my bike instead. When I went down to the garage I found a suspicious note, written in the shaky hand of a sociopath. The note read:
_____ _____ ___Dear Rod-
_____ _____ _____ __You hawked the bike for bus fare.
_____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____-Rod
Damn. So I walked to work and like I said, I got there about noon.
_____After hiking up the four floors of the Galindo tower in downtown, I reached my office. I found the etcher working the glass door to my office. I was behind in the payments so he’d been coming back each week and taking away a letter at a time. Instead of what I started out with
Rod Balsac
Private Dick
I now had
Rod Balsac
a __ Dick
_____I tapped some ash from my cigarette onto the etcher’s hat after he had the indecency to say “Good Afternoon” to me.
_____I went in and before I even closed the door Babs was on me.
_____“ Rod you’re late.”
_____“I was born late sweetheart,” I cooed back. Babs had been with me ever since we opened the agency, two weeks ago. She was a cute young thing, gentle and too brilliant for her own good. Or at least for mine. She was a college grad looking for a job with a little action. With the way business had been, she’d only seen a little action.
_____“Well all the same, you’ve got a customer,” said Babs coming toward me with a mug of “coffee”. One skill Babs had not yet
mastered was how to make a stomachable cup of joe. She slapped
the mug into my hand.
_____“There’s a dame in your office right now Balsac.”
_____A customer. I knew the day would finally come. I checked my sweet puss in the little mirror on Babs desk, took a slug of the weapons grade coffee, opened the door to my office and then I saw her.
_____I’d never seen a woman like this; tall, blond and doing a hand
stand on my desk.
_____A “Hello Mr. Balsac,” came out from behind a curtain of long
blond locks.
_____“Call me Rod.”
_____“I hope you don’t mind my using your desk.”
_____“As long as you don’t mind that draft I’m sure your getting from the window.” Walking over to the open window, I found myself staring at gravity defied. Somehow this woman was strong enough to hold
her long dress down (in this case up) by keeping tension with her legs. I took another slug of Dow Chemical brand coffee and dropped the cup out the window before shutting it.
_____She had incredible legs, like two snow white elms, just waiting for a monkey to take a climb. Then with a gymnast’s flip, she was on the other side of the desk, right side up and ready to talk.
_____“My name is Quinn Latoilet.”
_____“Is that French?”
_____“No, it’s my name.”
_____“Oh, well please sit down.”
_____“Thank you Mr.Balsac.”
_____“Rod please or just Balsac.”
_____“I prefer Mr. Balsac,” as she promptly sat on the floor.
_____“How about a chair, Miss Latoilet?”
_____“No thank you. I’ve got furniture at home.”
_____Miss Latoilet laid back and began to go through a stretching routine.
_____“You always like this?”
_____“I like to stay flexible.”
_____“So do I.” I cracked my knuckles and thought I pulled
something. As she bent her knee to her chest, we got down to
business.
_____“I need your help Mr.Balsac,” she said. I got up and came
around the desk fast, hoping that the running didn’t look desperate.
_____“The stretching I can handle on my own, “ she shot.
_____“Oh!” I stepped back and wiped a spot of drool from my mouth. For extra effect, I grabbed a book off my desk, as if I had intended to
read it all along.
_____“Someone is threatening my family.”
_____“Oh yeah, who’s that,” I asked flipping through the upside down
pages of Crime and Punishment.
_____“That’s where we need your help. My father is Pierre LaToilet.”
_____“The candy giant?”
_____“That’s the one,” said Miss LaToilet as she rolled onto her
stomach for a few push-ups. “As I’m sure you know, my father is
quite rich and he has lots of enemies.”
_____“The candy maker has enemies?”
_____She pushed off the ground into a long back stretch.
_____“Sugar…is serious business, Mr. Balsac.”
_____Didn’t I know it. I sat down in my chair and leaned back as Miss LaToilet finished her workout.
_____“To make a long story short, I want you to find out who is
threatening my father.”
_____I just stared at her; thinking how lucky the tape was that got
the measurements for that outfit.
_____“Mr. Balsac.”
_____“Yes.”
_____“Did you hear what I said?”
_____“Yes.”
_____“Well then you’re probably wondering why I didn’t take this
matter to the police.”
_____“Not really.”
_____“Why?”
_____“Two reasons. One, I wouldn’t trust the cops in this town to find a hole in a donut.”
_____“And two?”
_____“I need the work.”
_____“And I need you, Mr. Balsac,” she purred.
_____“I like the way you say that.”
_____“I thought you would.” Miss LaToilet pulled a piece of paper
from her purse. “Here is the address to the factory. Come by tomorrow around noon. I’d like you to meet my father.”
_____“But we just met, Miss LaToilet.” I cracked the smile that
launched a thousand ships and sank just as many. Miss LaToilet
turned to leave and I stood up.
_____“I hope you’re a better dick than you are a comic.”
_____“That’s a promise.”
_____“Good day, Mr.Balsac.” Miss LaToilet left the office and I fell back into my seat. This was one special woman. As I heard Babs coming toward my office, thoughts swirled in my head. Miss LaToilet had a sugar daddy, but maybe she was in the market for a sucker. I’d be the one to find out how many licks it’d take to get to the center of this case. And what the hell did I do with my coffee cup?
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