By Dave Leon
“These are the kinds of things I think about when I’m sitting at home alone
and the power goes out.” – George Carlin
I like pondering the ridiculous minutiae of life. Universal stuff that, for
some odd reason, is part of the human condition. And not stuff like, “Why
does Ashlee Simpson have a career?” (although, truth be told, I ponder that
a lot as well).
No, I mean universal truths, things that have happened to every one of us at
one time or another. Kind of like when you lose your ring in the sink, so
you have to get your wrench and open up the pipe to find it, only to realize
that the pipe has been rigged with a bomb by the world’s deadliest kung-fu
ninja, so you have to go fight him on his remote island to take away the
detonating device and in the course of the battle you realize that he’s
kidnapped your supermodel sex-kitten girlfriend and he’s dangling her over a
vat of sulfuric acid filled with deadly toe-pinching lobsters, so you throw
on an asbestos glove and grab a lobster and fling it at the ninja’s face and
the lobster pokes the ninja’s eyes out, leaving you time to save your
sex-kitten girlfriend and hijack the ninja’s plane while avoiding his
henchmen to fly back home, narrowly avoiding a fleet of Air Force planes who
didn’t know you were an American flying through their airspace, getting
yourself back home in time to get to the pipe and dismantle the detonating
device, just in time to open the pipe up and get your ring.
_You know…simple, everyday, commonplace stuff.
_And in that spirit, I present five simple examples of what I call…
_Why is it that?
_Why is it that…
_1)…every lane, be it traffic, in the supermarket, or a line at the bank,
_always goes faster than the one you’re in, but if you decide to move over,
_it automatically slows down to a crawl, making every other lane look like
_the Indy 500?
_2)…every person in the world who has a cough comes to the same theater
_performance as you?
_3)…all the cool clothes come in every size but yours?
_4)…the most wasted guy at the pub picks you to be his buddy to
_converse with, leaving you smelling like cigarettes and Mad Dog 20/20?
_5)…despite all the warnings and public service announcements beforehand, some
idiot ALWAYS leaves his cell phone on at the movies, then acts like he’s offended
when you call him a moron and tell him to shut his phone off?
_____And now, in an unprecedented move (only because I didn’t think I’d do it
otherwise), here are the answers.
1) You are the reason they all slow down. You are a major downer and
shouldn’t be allowed in public.
2) If they didn’t go to the theater, they would all be spending their time
watching Wheel of Fortune and eating Bonbons.
3) You’re too fat. Go on a diet, Porky.
4) He saw your shirt that said “I’m with Stupid,” and thought you were a
5) The answer to this is very simple. The dumb troglodyte can’t read and
probably didn’t realize his little talky-box would make the loud ringy-ringy
sound in public.