By Matt Harvey
_____With War of the Worlds being reasonably successful, Hollywood
has finally brought its 19-week box office slump to an end. Before this
film hit theaters, cocaine demand was at an all-time high as executives
and producers enjoyed one final bender on the studio’s dime before
they lost their jobs.
_____Some quasi-experts say the slump was due to a still lagging
economy. Others feel it’s due to poor marketing plan execution.
However, the most commonly fingered excuse has been the quality of
the films available. To wildly accuse a collective institution such as
Hollywood of offering sub-standard product is an unfair slap in the
face. If nothing else, Hollywood has always been known for quality
and integrity. But is this true for this summer’s offerings? As a public
service, I have illegally downloaded trailers for some of the films that
are still to come this summer and reviewed them for your protection.
_____Dark Water is a sensitive, heart-warming and touching tale of a
woman terrorized by an unidentifiable black liquid. The film’s title
refers to the liquid as “water”, however as the story is set in New York
City, that is just an assumption based on the regular shade of the
Hudson River. Although she tries to bring the goods, Jennifer Connelly
is out-acted by the liquid. SPOILER WARNING: At the end of the
picture we find out her apartment was built on top of an oil well. A
possible Beverly Hillbillies themed sequel is in the works, with Connelly
slated for the role of Granny.
_____Of course War of the Worlds is the box office picture of the
summer for Tom Cruise, but it’s another film where he’s going to flex
his taut thespian muscles. In Risky Medicine, Cruise plays a self-
taught psychiatrist who decides his years of help and healing are a
total fraud based on a pseudo-science. He then goes on a hero’s quest
to teach the world the right way to treat depression; marrying people
half your age.
_____Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo; you think this film is going
to be awful, right? Well you’re wrong! A plot may not actually exist,
the acting is amateurish, but it’s an impressive special effects tour de
force. It’s the most incredible train wreck ever caught on film! It
should be noted that this is a high water mark in the career of Rob
Schneider. Honorable mention goes to the director for capturing most
of the trailer in focus.
_____Into the Blue stars Jessica Alba’s body and some other people.
This action/heist/romantic/screwball/period/thriller set mostly in the
water, has Jessica Alba’s body and friends discover buried treasure
that’s in plain sight about four feet under the water. Then they have
to keep their find a secret. They do for about 45 seconds. Nice effort.
Jessica Alba’s body does a sufficient job of carrying the picture, being
that her soul is currently starring in Fantastic Four and her mind is on
hiatus.
_____The highly acclaimed and gifted actor/comedian Steve Martin
attempts to commit career suicide by lethal inflection of a French
accent in the remake of The Pink Panther. The distraction of tired
sight gags and poorly executed slapstick humor should hopefully allow
audiences to forget they’re bearing witness to the whoring of Peter
Sellers memory.
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