Learn to Speak Corporate

By Dave Leon

_____You guys have all been there. You’ve sat at your cubicle and heard some yahoo
in an ugly tie walk by using words that make him sound like that robot from “Lost in
Space,” only with a little less personality. Or you’ll be having lunch and you overhear
two people talking about what sounds like something really important, when in
reality they’re asking each other directions to the nearest restroom

_____Confused by all the CorpSpeak? Don’t be! To make your life easier and give
you some ammo the next time that yahoo in the ugly tie decides to talk to you,
here’s a little lesson in corporate terminology.

CEO: An oily snake who has more money than God. Thinks he or she IS God.
Wouldn’t look down their noses at you unless they were using you as a floorboard
while heading for the fire escape.

Upper-Management: Those who have never met you, but can change your job
and life around because they’re having a bad hair day.

Middle-Management: Those who are not smart enough to be a worker bee, and
who don’t have a relative in the company who can put them in upper
management; a butt-kissing buffoon.

Worker Bee: Usually the smartest people in the building and the hardest working.
Therefore, they are the first ones dumped on by middle-management and upper-
management, who themselves are embarrassed because they can’t operate simple
office machinery (see: fax machine, computer, telephone, desk).

Synergy: Blending of two apparently disparate items. Best case study: “You got your
peanut butter in my chocolate!” “You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!”

Let’s Talk Offline: Management speak for “Let’s talk away from all these people so I
can berate you and nobody else can be a witness.”

Attitude: A problem, as you often seem to have one, but your superiors all have one
too, only they call it “moxie” or “spirit.”

Efficiency Expert: Some guy in a goofy shirt and big child-molester glasses who tells
your boss that you’re a lazy buffoon and you really don’t need the brightness on your
monitor turned up that high. Too much expenditure on the electric bill,

Meeting: Naptime.

Mission Statement: An intent of business practice that the CEO will break and still come away smelling like a rose and even more filthy rich than he already was.

Scandal: For the worker bees, it’s what happens at the annual Christmas
party when Bob from Accounting is found in an office “interviewing” the new intern.
For the upper crust, it’s what happens when the CEO has a fling with a federal agent
posing as a hooker.

We Want to be More Efficient: This is middle-management speak for “I know we
have 3 people doing the work of 10, but we’re going to ride you even
harder so I can look good to the boss whose toes I suck unashamedly.”

Power Lunch: A two-hour meeting between Management and the mucky-mucks of
another company with the express intent of using the receipt for their
$500 meal as a tax break. By the way, you still have to pay 10 bucks for
your half-baked Filet o’ Mystery Meat from the cafeteria.